How to Pitch Oppositelock

"Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo" (thetomselleck) 01/15/2020 at 19:54 • Filed to: career oppo-tunities

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Are you looking for something to put on your resume that bests “fired from the Hollywood Video in Stanwood for stealing bags of unpopped popcorn?” Why not lend those skills to us!*

WHAT WE WANT

Give us vague ideas. It’s so constraining and close-minded to write about “a” car. What about all the other cars you’re excluding? Why do you hate them? Why are so filled with hate? Conversely, hating on everything is all the rage today, so maybe start with that. Just make sure you hate as many things as you can to be inclusive.

Give us explicit documentation of your mundane existence . A walk to the fridge is a highly underrated trek. And what about that time your poo was a really weird color or terrifying consistency? Wrap it all up with some analogy about the meaning of life or love or some other crap you don’t really believe.

Give us stories that are original and genuine. Proven stories are great, but if it’s already been a story, and it’s already been written... what the hell would we even need you for? Just link the pertinent information and go away. We want you to MAKE your own stories, not repackage other people’s for easy consumption. The pillars of Oppositelock — or backbone, if you prefer — is loose expression of thoughts and digging up regions of the brain that should in most setting be left repressed and dormant Yes, okay, yes, yes, it’s true: you could literally post a title and a link and then we can all engage in a thought-provoking exchange in the comments section that generates both understanding and camaraderie among all participants. Or, you can post more that time you thought you were walking to the bathroom but ended up pooping in the fridge.

Here’s an example of a story we turned down:

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

Oh, right. We already let people post basically whatever they want... But standards are quickly rising, so sharpen those fingertips!

Give us stories that we could get ourselves, but don’t have the motivation to do so. In theory anything could be “gotten” with the appropriate amount of time, effort, or money. We don’t care how you did; we care that you did it! And you got to do all the work while the rest of us sat back and did nothing! Is this not what an audience is?

Also, we will not pay for good potato pics . Everyone in the first world owns a high-resolution camera that sometimes makes phone calls and uses Incognito Mode web browsing. So please post your photos, but don’t work too hard to get them. It will be a thankless endeavor and don’t be surprised to find those photos on other sites completely uncredited.

WHAT WE DON’T WANT

If you find yourself asking, “should I write for you?” please know we have no interest in proofreading any of your drafts or screening any of your stories and sources. If you send us anything to this effect, please know we will intentionally ignore your inquiries harder than a craigslist reply offering to trade your car for a soiled futon.

Also, we want more car reviews . We like cars. We like you. We like that you like cars. Please write about cars, and don’t forget those un-commissioned potato pics. But be fair and review as many cars as possible. This may require you buying vehicles far more frequently than the average consumer. But financial ruin and grumblings from the spouse that hasn’t left you yet is a small price to pay for providing High Kwality Kontent.

We probably won’t buy blog posts and news items , which is the beauty of Oppositelock: it’s already a blog. Posting here voids and financial promise we will claim we’ve never made to you in the first place. As soon as it’s under our header, it’s ours. All of ours! Also, something about freedom of press and information and all that jazz. And besides, no one should get paid for regurgitating someone else’s hard work... That kind of sounds awful!

WHERE TO SEND IT

Good luck, we’re all counting on you!

* Position offers no pay, no compensation, no acknowledged record of your affiliation with our brand, no health benefits, and high-deductible dental plan.

AestheticsInMotion > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 19:58

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Tell me more about the dental plan

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > AestheticsInMotion 01/15/2020 at 19:59

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lone_liberal > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:03

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My pitches tend to end in a cloud of feathers.

RallyDarkstrike - Fan of 2-cyl FIATs, Eastern Bloc & Kei cars > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:03

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.....*slow clap*

This made my day....and is also 100% accurate! :D

Discerning > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:08

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I was hating before it was cool.

I’m being somewhat serious... And it sucked. I thought I was happy to hate but I found out how toxic it was to my state of mind and general happiness .

Still trying to be more positive and non-h ating to this day

RPM esq. > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:09

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LastFirstMI is my name > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:11

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Here, have a star... oh wait, that’s right, it’s a participation ribbon (“save”) now.

And I retain all rights to this post implied or inferred. Copyright 2020 LastFirstMI Inc LLC GHMB POV.

M.T. Blake > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:11

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All of this is against my Title VII rights. I want to know who is in charge of HR?!!!

Nom De Plume > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:12

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What sort of turn-over rate to paying outlets, we will not be cited or credited in, can you promise our submissions?

We thrive on warm fuzzy feelings knowing we lead that story someone else recaptured for personal accreditation and career furtherment . Our defining w ish is to optimize our writing to better serve these outlets in a high level amateur fashion that will require minimal editing on their part. W ill there be a standardized way for them to collect our mined resources and reference material expediently? Our time is free unlike theirs.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > RPM esq. 01/15/2020 at 20:15

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[picks nose]

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > RPM esq. 01/15/2020 at 20:17

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Actually that missing past tense for soil is bothering me. Ima change dat, boi...

ClassicDatsunDebate > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:17

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Do I need to hate Acura?

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > ClassicDatsunDebate 01/15/2020 at 20:18

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Whatever it is you feel, you need to post about it.

ClassicDatsunDebate > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:20

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ok...random music video comin’up

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > lone_liberal 01/15/2020 at 20:21

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In all fairness it was an Astro Bird attempt to steal signs... or first... or something like that.

Nobody stole first base in all those Randy Johnson years.  Never.  I rest my case.

SBA Thanks You For All The Fish > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:22

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!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

When I first heard about shit-posting, I had no idea how literal y’all were about it. But there it is. In Brown and Calf-shit Brown.

A Boy and His Longtail > M.T. Blake 01/15/2020 at 20:29

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All I know is that the answer to any benefits question is no. We could probably do it with a bit to be honest. And not even a good one either.

Enginerrrrrrrrr > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 20:56

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This is good Kinja.

If I may add, copious use of overused gifs is a prerequisite.

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > lone_liberal 01/15/2020 at 20:56

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I was hoping someone would post this video. 

facw > A Boy and His Longtail 01/15/2020 at 21:09

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My company’s HR just ignores emails, so “no” is an improvement.

Highlander-Datsuns are Forever > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 21:23

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wafflesnfalafel > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/15/2020 at 21:23

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Mid Engine > facw 01/15/2020 at 22:39

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I have to use an HR portal and log an issue in the ticket system. The next day someone from India tells me no by Skype .

sn4cktimes > ClassicDatsunDebate 01/15/2020 at 23:21

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Do it. I find so much good rando music from people’s tune posts. I also find WAY more I dislike; but that’s the game. 

WilliamsSW > Mid Engine 01/15/2020 at 23:55

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  I’m laughing at this

And also crying 

Stef Schrader > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/16/2020 at 05:07

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I hear the mods are horrible to work with.

(...which explains my continued unemployment, but I’m not sure about the others.)

Who is the Leader - 404 / Blog No Longer Available > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/16/2020 at 21:31

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I am late to the party, but this is so accurate. If I had known this before I signed on. . .

But seriously, I’ve not been around long but aside from someone unfollowing me for  Oppositelock (not authorship, just that weird thing you can do), I feel like part of the family.

And yes, my highest viewed post was just me asking a question to the comments, and providing a possible answer. And yes, I have provided much unsolicited Cruze content. So, Opponaut I am!